Dark Humor
Dark jokes are like home. A lot of people don't get it.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.
So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.
He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
What's the worst thing about 9/11?
All of the stupid "Airplane" jokes.
I think I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple actually got picked.
What's worse than 100 dead babies in a skip?
The one that's still alive in the middle trying to eat its way out.
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
Person 1: Stop making suicidal jokes!
Person 2: Okay, okay, I’ll cut it out.
Person 1: Really?
Person 2: They're not even that deep.
I left my boots on in the river, and I drowned.
What is a cannibal's favorite food?
Crackers.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor? Because it can't hit home.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
What's the last thing emos feel before they die? Rope burn.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It picks cotton.
What did the boy say to the noose?
"Can you please tie me."
Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?
Person: Yea, why?
Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)
I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.
What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?
Hitler knows when to kill himself!