babies are like airstrikes they get aborted
I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."
Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.
Dad: Would you like to talk about it?
Son: Sure.
Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.
Son: I can't, my butt hurts.
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.
I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.
We started playing rocket league.
Q: Do you know why orphans rob banks?
A: Because it's a guarantee they'll be wanted afterwards.
What did the titanic say as it was sinking?
I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.
I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.
A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.
What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
Got a job at the library yesterday... It lasted fifteen minutes... Turns out books about women's rights don't belong in the fiction section.
I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
Q: Why is Hitler better than Biden?
A: Because Hitler gave gas to his people for free.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
I spat on a blind kid and told him it was raining
