Dark Humor

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

Babies are like airstrikes; they get aborted.

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

Q: Do you know why orphans rob banks?

A: Because it's a guarantee they'll be wanted afterwards.

I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.

We started playing rocket league.

Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.

A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.

I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.

What did the titanic say as it was sinking?

I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.

What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.

Got a job at the library yesterday... It lasted fifteen minutes... Turns out books about women's rights don't belong in the fiction section.

Q: Why is Hitler better than Biden?

A: Because Hitler gave gas to his people for free.

I was crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.

Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.