Dark Humor
me: I'm going to steal your heart.
her: omg that's so romantic!!
me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
What makes sad people jump? A bridge.
"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"
Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.
Dad: Would you like to talk about it?
Son: Sure.
Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.
Son: I can't, my butt hurts.
I bought a book for my blind friend.
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.
I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.
Q: Why is Hitler better than Biden?
A: Because Hitler gave gas to his people for free.
I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.
What is more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.
I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? An apple gets picked.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
Got a job at the library yesterday... It lasted fifteen minutes... Turns out books about women's rights don't belong in the fiction section.
One man's trash is another man's treasure. That sucks when you are adopted.
what's worse than a baby in a trash can? A baby in two trash cans.