My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.
I punched my mom for no freaking reason.
Go to an orphanage and tell a kid his parents came back.
I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
If certain diseases spread in water, why does Africa have them?
I saw a kid crying and asked him where his parents were. He started crying harder.
The ungrateful brat. I see why he is an orphan.
Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?
I told him to be a stand-up comedian!
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
Where do feminists go when they die? "Hell's Kitchen."
What do clothes and emo kids have in common?
They both get hung.
What do you call a wheelchair on fire?
Hot Wheels.
If you're ever frustrated, just punch them in the face. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
How do blind kids get punished?
By moving the furniture around the house.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common? They never get old.
Guy: Do you know how to draw women's rights?
Girl: No, how?
Guy: All you need is a blank paper, and that's it.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Why are Japanese always so skinny?
Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.
What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?
The bird can fly off the roof.
