Damn Jokes

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?

My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.

TDS - Too Damn Slow!

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

Damn boy, you must be Nick Cannon because you don’t know when or how to stop.

Wait a damn minute

A man looks thoughtfully at a treat on a stick. The text reads, "Nothing will fuck you up as much as the realization that there's no real reason the alphabet needs to be in order."

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

The best part about having autism is being able to make jokes about genociding autistic people and no one can say a damn thing.

A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.

The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”

The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”

That dam looks damn cool!

You say to your slow friend: "Damn, you're slower than Stephen Hawking!" And that takes some talent.

I traded my sister for a slice of pizza. Damn, that pizza was good!

I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.

Hey.

Girl: Hey.

Damn, I forgot my spray bottle.

Girl: What?

It says "spray on flat surfaces."

Her: I love Kobe Bryant!

Me: Helicopter Helicopter

Her:.....

Me: At least you don't say save the trees, cus damn Kobe is good.

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!

Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?

Hey, fatboy, why are you so damn fat?

Because every time I f*** your mom, she gives me a cookie.

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, "I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"

The teacher grabbed Billy and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, "Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"

Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."

That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"

Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"

Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."

Billy sat up straight and said, "I KNEW that damn thing had wheels!"