Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
Because atomic bombs are pretty damn bright.
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.
Damn boy , you must be Nick Cannon because you don’t know when or how to stop
What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed Damn, that really stiff
An African man visits his friend in the US.
“I just flew in yesterday,” the African man says. “And boy are my arms tired!”
“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America,” replied his friend.
“Joke?” the African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country!”
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
Said the man angered to his wife:
"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"
What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?
“Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”
Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?
Cause damn you lookin kinda Au Ti S Ti C.
Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?
Cause damn, you lookin' kinda Au Ti S Ti C!
Dad: "Honey, I'll be right back. I need to get some papers."
Me: "Okay." *Falls asleep.*
*Wakes up in an adoption center.*
Damn, it was those kind of papers.
Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.
Students: Damn
Teacher: Is anyone missing?
Students: Your Parents
Damn, the guy who made the "Whip/Nae Nae" song really made his cousin go Silento.
Your Roblox friend counts to 10, but she doesn't count to "too." Then Roblox says: "Damn. Your Roblox friend can't count."
Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."
You want to hear a rape joke? Yeah. Damn you ruined it.
Egg shaped, dome, bowling ball lookin' ass, bald fuck with that 360 degrees ahh head, motherfucker look like a damn balloon.
Call me Kobe 'cause I'm finna use your head as a basketball and throw it at yo' parents. Mr. Clean, bootleg Saitama lookin' ass mfer. No hair? :(
picture of her last Christmas and the damn thing’s still printing.
Goofy ahh grandpa fell down the stairs, and he said, "Damn!"
