Dad jokes
What's the same with your dad and Retail Row?
They are both off the map.
Me: *watching TV*
Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!
Me: Really?
Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.
My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.
Dad: Johnny, Johnny?
Johnny: Yes, Papa.
Dad: Getting women?
Johnny: Yes, Papa.
Dad: Telling lies?
Johnny: No, Papa.
Dad: Well, you're 100% lying because you get NO WOMEN!
What's the difference between me and Elizabeth Afton?
Her dad always comes back.
Why does Aaron like men? Because his dad beats him.
Why did your daddy not come back with the milk?
Because you have no dad because your dad never loved you.
Have you ever wondered why orphans hate milk?
'Cause their dad never came back with it.
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!
Why can orphans not get married?
They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!
Why do you let your dads sleep so they don't get grumpy and eat your dinner?
Family all eating at the table.
Brother: "Hmm, I think I feel gold."
Sister: "Stop the cap."
Brother looks under the table and says, "Nope, just a gold digger."
Dad laughed.
Stepmom storms out of the room.
My dad went to school saying dad jokes. I was embarrassed and I cried with a-dult cry.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor!"
What did the stepdad say to the flower? You're grounded!
Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
What is the difference between your dad and a video game?
Your dad doesn’t beat you.
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.