New Cut Jokes

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

This is how animals were named.

"Bye Son." *cuts call*. What are we talking about?

"Bison. Perfect."

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

Q. What's the difference between fucking a coma patient and fucking a cabbage?

A. You have to cut a hole in the cabbage.

I should probably stop making emo jokes.

They just don't seem to cut it anymore.

Q. What's the difference between pizza and an emo?

A. The pizza doesn't cut itself.

What does the word circumcise mean?

Cut off a boy's or a man's dick, or cut off a girl's or a woman's foreskin.

I really used to be into emo chicks. Now they just don't make the cut.

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

Miscarriage jokes aren't funny, just cut it out.

My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.

How do butts start a conversation?

"Let's cut to the chase!"

Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?

In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.

Why did the rapper become a barber?

To give everyone FRESH CUTS.

I only cut to find out if I'm real or cake.

Why did the rapper become a barber?

Because they love CUTTING TRACKS!

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”