Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.
Cut Jokes
If an emo kid and the quiet kid had a fight, the quiet kid would win because the emo kid would cut himself to death.
I'm gonna cut my life off.
Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.
Why do Emos always wear black like ninjas?
Because they're always cutting.
Sometimes I wish my grass was depressed, then it would just cut itself.
I had a cake for my gender reveal party. I cut it, and the inside was yellow...
There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.
On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."
So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.
The Emo kid was late to his flight, so he needed to cut to the chase.
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?” Jon said, “I’d be half blind.” “That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?” “I’d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?” Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?” “I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered. “Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?” “My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.
MU, I love your joke, but I cut myself a piece of cake, pie, steak, cheesecake, and anything else I can find.
How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.
What did the orphan say to the barber?
I dunno, the orphanage doesn’t pay for haircuts.
Joe Mama so weird, she cut her hair in a squiggly diggly haircut.
How did the pornstar cut herself while using a drill?
She was too used to grabbing the tip.
What do you get when you cut an onion?
Onion jizz.
My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.
So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.
John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.
"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.
"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"
