Crime jokes

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

A black dude hits up a trap house for some crack and Hennessy, flashing his grill and boasting 'bout his gangsta life. The dealer snarls, "Pay up, fool. Or face the pipe!" He shrugs, "I'm broke, n***a." Suddenly, the dealer's ripped enforcer yanks him down, cuffs his hands with zip ties, shoves a vibrating dildo gag down his throat, slaps his ass red with a spiked paddle, then rams his throbbing monster cock into that tight hole, pounding savagely while choking him with a chain collar, flooding his guts with hot cum as he moans, "That's your high, bitch. Addicted yet?"

I didn't know I raped her. I thought she wanted me to hurry up.

What's the difference between me and a rapist?

He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.

She was just 7 years old.

Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."

What are the similarities between a pedophile and a 9/11 plane?

They both came from behind and crushed them.

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

How do you make a plumber sad?

You kill his family.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

Why did the guitarist go to prison?

'Cause he fingered A minor.

Rape isn't funny unless she's laughing, too.

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

Why does an orphan play GTA to be wanted? 😂😭

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."

What do ICE and Mexican drug cartels both have in common?

They both kidnap Canadian women!

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?

Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.

My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.

A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."

He was in the infantry.