Crime jokes

So, some ants in a colony go to war. They want some more troops and know that there are ants that went to wars as well. They call them war-ants.

They start barging into homes to search for more war-ants. They barge into a home, and the lady-ant goes, "Hey, why are you here? Can you please leave?" One of the ants replies with, "I'm sorry, but unless you have a war-ant, we have to keep searching your house."

I just killed a family of five.

Now I’m an orphan.

Why did the orphan commit a bank robbery?

So he could be wanted.

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a PDF file!

If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.

If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.

Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

A black dude hits up a trap house for some crack and Hennessy, flashing his grill and boasting 'bout his gangsta life. The dealer snarls, "Pay up, fool. Or face the pipe!" He shrugs, "I'm broke, n***a." Suddenly, the dealer's ripped enforcer yanks him down, cuffs his hands with zip ties, shoves a vibrating dildo gag down his throat, slaps his ass red with a spiked paddle, then rams his throbbing monster cock into that tight hole, pounding savagely while choking him with a chain collar, flooding his guts with hot cum as he moans, "That's your high, bitch. Addicted yet?"

Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

What's the difference between me and a rapist?

He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.

She was just 7 years old.

What does McDonald's and a paedophile have in common?

They both like sticking their meat in ten-year-olds.

What are the similarities between a pedophile and a 9/11 plane?

They both came from behind and crushed them.

I didn't know I raped her. I thought she wanted me to hurry up.

How do you make a plumber sad?

You kill his family.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

Rape isn't funny unless she's laughing, too.

Why does an orphan play GTA to be wanted? 😂😭

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."