Crime jokes

I just killed a family of five.

Now I’m an orphan.

My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a PDF file!

If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.

If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.

Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

A black dude hits up a trap house for some crack and Hennessy, flashing his grill and boasting 'bout his gangsta life. The dealer snarls, "Pay up, fool. Or face the pipe!" He shrugs, "I'm broke, n***a." Suddenly, the dealer's ripped enforcer yanks him down, cuffs his hands with zip ties, shoves a vibrating dildo gag down his throat, slaps his ass red with a spiked paddle, then rams his throbbing monster cock into that tight hole, pounding savagely while choking him with a chain collar, flooding his guts with hot cum as he moans, "That's your high, bitch. Addicted yet?"

I didn't know I raped her. I thought she wanted me to hurry up.

What's the difference between me and a rapist?

He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.

She was just 7 years old.

Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."

What are the similarities between a pedophile and a 9/11 plane?

They both came from behind and crushed them.

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

How do you make a plumber sad?

You kill his family.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

Rape isn't funny unless she's laughing, too.

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

Why does an orphan play GTA to be wanted? 😂😭

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."

What do ICE and Mexican drug cartels both have in common?

They both kidnap Canadian women!

What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?

Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.