Crime jokes

What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?

Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.

My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.

Why did the serial killer cross the road? To get to the victim's house.

Knock, knock. Who's there? The serial killer.

I don't like the term "kidnapping." I prefer "surprise adoption."

Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.

A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."

He was in the infantry.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

Orphan kids only play GTA5 so they can be wanted.

Why did the orphan play GTA? Because he wanted to feel the wanted level.

What do you call an egg murder?

An eggs-terminator!

Do you know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Do you know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?

Yes, I know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Yes, I know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane.

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

What do ICE and Mexican drug cartels both have in common?

They both kidnap Canadian women!

Police Report: Looking for a female, light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a small scar on her right check.

Last seen on CCTV wearing see-through bottoms, a pink top, and a vibrating dildo hanging out of her arse. If you find this woman, please get her to charge the dildo for excessive fun.

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

If you're ever bored, rape an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Why was the Human Torch arrested?

He had firearms.

A man was walking down the street with a swivel chair under one arm, a computer under the other, and a desk strapped to his back.

A policeman ran over to him and handcuffed him, saying, "I'm arresting you for impersonating an office, sir!"

Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"

Mom: "He got inside a white van."