If I were to cut your legs off, would it hurt? Because your legs will be cut off...
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman?
Batman returns.
My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.
He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."
You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
Why do homeless people commit crimes?
They get a bed in jail.
Why can orphans get away from the FBI?
Because they don't have a house.
You can't call yourself a baby boomer if you have never detonated an infant.
We shouldn't joke about major tragedies. My dad died in 9/11, he was Saudi Arabia's best pilot.
So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!
And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.
Why did the chief go to jail?
Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream!
What do you call a protest that gets crowded?
Human trafficking.
I don't call it arson. I call it warming up.
Gay gang members don't do drive-bys, they do fruit roll-ups.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing luggage? Unfortunately, he lost his case.
What’s faster than a black guy with the TV?
His little brother with the console.
Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
"Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go."
On Halloween you better hide your candy, or else there will be a fella named Big Dick Randy.
