Crime jokes

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."

He was in the infantry.

Why did the serial killer cross the road? To get to the victim's house.

Knock, knock. Who's there? The serial killer.

I don't like the term "kidnapping." I prefer "surprise adoption."

Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.

A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.

Why did the orphan play GTA? Because he wanted to feel the wanted level.

Orphan kids only play GTA5 so they can be wanted.

I just got a job at the prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

Police Report: Looking for a female, light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a small scar on her right check.

Last seen on CCTV wearing see-through bottoms, a pink top, and a vibrating dildo hanging out of her arse. If you find this woman, please get her to charge the dildo for excessive fun.

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

If you're ever bored, rape an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Why is Jeffrey Epstein so bad at races?

Because he comes in a little behind.

What do you call a disabled gang member? A crip.

Why did the influencer terrorist get arrested?

Because his TikTok blew up...

The amount of women judging me for raping a poor lady is terrible. You weren't there. You don't know!

Are you a gun, because I would be your bullets because I love going in children.

Do you guys know what KFC stands for? It stands for kidnapping foster children.

What's the advantage of being a grade A paedophile? You know it's not period blood.