Crime jokes

I don't like the term "kidnapping." I prefer "surprise adoption."

Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.

A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.

I just got a job at the prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

Do you know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Do you know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane?

Yes, I know the murderer, The murderer, the murderer, Yes, I know the murderer, Who lives on Dreary Lane.

What do you call an egg murder?

An eggs-terminator!

My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.

What do ICE and Mexican drug cartels both have in common?

They both kidnap Canadian women!

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?

Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.

Police Report: Looking for a female, light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a small scar on her right check.

Last seen on CCTV wearing see-through bottoms, a pink top, and a vibrating dildo hanging out of her arse. If you find this woman, please get her to charge the dildo for excessive fun.

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

If you're ever bored, rape an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

How do you take care of all the babies you just crushed with your car?

Open a pizza shop 🍕

How to commit arson:

1. Burn down an orphanage.

Why are pedophiles good at playing guitar?

Because they are good at fingering A minor.

What did the terrorist think to himself seconds before hitting the tower?

"Did I leave the stove on?"

What do you call a Terrorist in a wheel chair?

RCXD in bound

What do you call an orphan with parents?

I don't know... what?

Kidnapped. :)

"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."

"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"

"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."

What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?

The witnesses.