Crime Jokes

What's the difference between my basement and my garage?

One has a pile of babies' bodies; the other has their heads.

ICE and ISIS have similar first syllables. Coincidence? I think not!

How do you know if a rapist loves you?

He will rape you many times.

Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?

I hear they got six months each.

There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

Michelle Obama wanted more vegetables in school.

The image shows a split view. On the left, there's a portrait of a young man with glasses. On the right is a blurry image of a classroom, with a person visible in the background. Below, text reads, "Georgia School Shooter Targets Special Needs Class, Autistic Teen Among Victims".

A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"

What's the difference between a zit and a Catholic priest?

A zit will wait 'til 12 before it cums on your face.

Alvin and the Chipmunks commit war crimes.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

A man had 10 dead and bloody babies in the middle of his living room. The police suddenly knocked on his door. What is the hardest thing to hide?

- A boner.

Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 was a unregistered six offender.

Sonic says... April 1st is the best day to do a school shooting. They will think it’s a joke! 😃

Why can't orphans get five stars in GTA?

Because they're not wanted.

I must have raped a woman in a skip. She said she felt rubbish.

What's blue, red, and white and dead all over?

Trump's dead Russian mates.

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.

The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.