Crime jokes
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
What's the difference between a mole and a priest?
One will till your 13 to put hairs on your face.
Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?
ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.
Terrorist: We can go over it, we can’t go under it, let’s go through it.
"Look at these kids stealing ideas, bro. They're going to jail."
When is rape normal?
When it's called an unplanned pregnancy.
What is the difference between an orphan and a robber?
One is wanted.
Yep, this happens when you play G.T.A., good God!
What do the Nicaraguan Contras, Crips, and Crack have in common? The CIA.
Roses are red, Larry is bad.
I'VE GOT A GUN, get in the van!
About to go on a date.
But she was late.
So I got some tape.
And eventually punished her with rape.
Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack and sell it again.
Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?
So he could make a clean getaway!
No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.
Q. What do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head?
A. An ambulance.
How do you get a boy to share something? Bring in Michael Jackson's bed.
I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"
When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"
He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"
I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.
Dear Orphans,
I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)
I went to the shops and still didn’t find Lucy’s dad.