Crime jokes
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
What's the same about boxes and children?
They're both found in basements.
What's a crazy man's favorite phrase when he has a knife?
"Freak out!"
What's the difference between a pizza and a guy you really hate?
One won't scream when you remove their meat.
What's a kidnapper's favorite shoe?
White Vans.
Q: What's a pedophile's favorite type of candy?
A: Loli-pops.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.
The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."
"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."
"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."
High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?
Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.
High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.
Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.
High school crush: Who is it?
Me: You.
Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)
Me: Fuck that.
What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?
My boner.
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."
You know you have a domestic abuse problem when you beat your dick.
A guy gives labor to a baby girl and a boy twins. The doctor said but the lady was like,
"Ugh, why do I need my husband to be in labor and I want a girl, not a boy, just a girl!"
The lady passed out 😵 and then found out she was in a coma. The man who was in labor died. The two babies got a nanny, an evil one. The nanny killed the babies on their first birthday.
A man goes to a motel room and sees a woman tied up and she said, "Help me please!" He had to do some forceful thinking.
When is a rape victim right?
When she admits she lied.
Rape jokes are not funny.
Look at my name by the way😁.
Biden: My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "That's a pretty big word for a 9-year-old!"
What's the difference between a pizza & a person?
A pizza doesn't scream when I try to shove it into an oven...
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
GET IN THE VAN!!
I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a ladder the other day and I thought, huh, that's a little con-descending.