Crime jokes

What does 9 and 36 add up to?

A life in prison.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?

I hear they got six months each.

How do you know if a rapist loves you?

He will rape you many times.

What is the difference between a hoe's birth Daddy and her pimp Daddy?

The first daddy plants the seed in a cunt, and the second reaps the harvest from the cunt.

Y'all really need to stop hating on pedos!! At least they drive slow in school zones! God.

Who's Joe?

Joe rapes.

People say rape is bad. It is because I don't want STD and HIV.

I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised to see that the news reported a school shooting there. I still don't know who snitched...

What's the difference between my basement and my garage?

One has a pile of babies' bodies; the other has their heads.

ICE and ISIS have similar first syllables. Coincidence? I think not!

A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"

What's the difference between a zit and a Catholic priest?

A zit will wait 'til 12 before it cums on your face.

People can say whatever they want about pedophiles. At least they are pursuing their dreams.

In a white van.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

Alvin and the Chipmunks commit war crimes.

A man had 10 dead and bloody babies in the middle of his living room. The police suddenly knocked on his door. What is the hardest thing to hide?

- A boner.

So... here's da scoop, alright... *licks KFC off lips* so, I was caught having sex wit three 6 year olds (girls btw, just in case you guys get mad) and da judge told me I was getting da death penalty, you know what I mean?

I had a last resort to save myself though, you feel me? So I told da judge, I said to him, I said: "Yo honah, 6 + 6 + 6 = 18, you smell me?"

Needless to say, I was announced a fre-e-e-e-e-e-e man after dat, you feel me?

But then, the Predator Poachers nigckas just barged into the courtroom and they said: 4 + 4 + 5 = 13!

Alas, I'm writing this joke from jail, and judging by the look my prisonmate Tyrone is giving me, I'll be writing jokes from hell from now on.

What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?

You don’t need consent.

Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 was a unregistered six offender.