Crime jokes

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

How many rapists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Punchline: One, but they prefer soda bottles instead.

Little Timmy said, "I had a body, eieio, now you are next!" as he shoots you.

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

What is a nonce's favorite toy...? You.

What's the difference between a club and a bar? I can only get dead hookers from the club alleyways.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

VOTING QUARTERFINAL 3: LIKE: When the school shooter throws a smoke grenade into the classroom and the autistic kid thinks it’s a Disco party. 🕺🕺🕺

DISLIKE: When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering but you walk toward his gun; “I will finish what you started.”

Vote for the better joke.

Jake grabbed Lina's thigh and said, "Why don't we have sex? I really wanna see your boobs. I bet they're hot." "Yeah, they are." She took her clothes off and he saw her body. "OMG GODDESS OF BOOBS, PUSSYS AND BUTT LETS HAVE SEX LOOK AT MY..." HE WOKE UP THEN CRIED AND KISSED HIS SISTER'S BUTT. SHE SMACKED HIM THEN HE TOOK HER TO HIS BASEMENT AND KILLED HER FROM SEX.

You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?

You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.

Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.

What is the good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in school zones.

Teacher: How many kids are in this classroom?

Kid: 73 if you count the ones you have hid in the basement.

I wasn't gonna tell another Epstein joke but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging.

Greg fucking steals toes!

I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."

Robber 1: *gets shot in ass*

Robber 2: You have to shit in a bag for life lol.

Robber 1: What, the Tesco or Asda one?

Why was going through JFK's head when he was getting assassinated? A bullet.

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

Some people think prison is one word, but to criminals, it’s a whole sentence.