Crime jokes

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Why did the orphan rob a bank?

For he can be wanted.

Q: What do the mob and pussy have in common?

A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What makes suicide illegal? Getting caught.

What's young, red, and has hot PTSD?

Prince Andrew's victims.

Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.

What's a child abuser's favorite song?

"Just Beat It!"

@shelby denver is a massive nonce.

What is a nonce's favorite toy...? You.

What’s a pedophile’s favorite type of garden?

A KinderGarden.

What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?

The Las Vegas shooting.

What is an orphan's role model?

Batman.

Someone burgled my house the other day. It was terrible.

They ripped all of the front and back pages of my dictionaries. Things went from bad to worse.

What do pedophiles call children in wheelchairs?

"Meals on Wheels."

Man yelling at mailman realizes he's opening the mailbox.

Mailman: "There's a pipe bomb in your mailbox..."

A child molester and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.

Why is a white guy in prison scarier than a black guy in prison?

The white guy actually did it.