Crime jokes

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

What did the man who had sex with an Instagram model in the reverse cowgirl position while going 90 on the freeway get charged for?

Driving under the influencer.

What do you call it when Panera Bread commits genocide?

Panera bloodshed.

What's a kidnapper's favorite shoe? White vans.

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

Why do rappers make terrible pirates?

Because they’re always DROPPING HOOKS!

If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?

What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?

OJ couldn’t kill cancer.

I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun, now it's an assault rifle.

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

I searched on Google, "How to start a wildfire?"

I got 39,300,000 matches.

I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.

"Bippity Boppity Boop! Bill Cosby's coming for you!"

What's a convict's favorite song?

"I want to break free."

What's worse than 5 babies in a dumpster?

5 dumpsters in a baby.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

What do you call a paraplegic cannibal?

"Dine and dash."