Crime jokes

If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?

What did the cop say to the muslim breaking the law?

"That's against th-Allah (read like da-law)."

I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.

I did 9/11 here's proof https://youtu.be/BVH73TonuG8

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?

You don’t need consent.

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.

My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?

The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.

When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.

She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

What does the pedophile use for bait? Trix!

What's the best thing about 20-1 year olds... there's 20.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile? There isn't a difference.

What kind of file do you need to turn a 15 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile.

Space therapist in between the e and the r.

The rapists!

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 9 because my basement's still dark.

The kid with a gun walked into my classroom and fucking shot the teacher.

He pointed the gun at me and asked, "What's 2+2?" I answer him and he writes the answer down on his test. He did this with every kid. He got a 100%, expelled, and a lifetime in prison. Hey, at least he gets free food.

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the first person to try Five Guys?

"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.