Crime jokes
Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!
If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?
I give props to pedophiles.
They always go slow in the school zones.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Why can't an orphan get 5 stars in GTA? Because they are not wanted.
What do you do if you see a nigger shot 50 times? Stop laughing and reload.
What’s the worst part of being a pedophile?
Getting the blood out of your clown suit.
I fared it. I ticked the orphan. He jiggled, he was burning, so I did it again.
My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"
No witnesses.
Why did the woman get raped in the ass?
She assed for it.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He tried to steal third.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
Yo mama so dumb, when a kid told her to “give her a fag,” she kidnapped Ricardo!
I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.
I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.
How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!
Did you hear about the dwarf that had his wallet stolen? Just how low can you get?
Mosely in a white van.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
The details are SKETCHY! :)
Inside a room full of squares, buckets, and tints, there are two inspectors. One is called Mr. Right, the other one is called Mr. Wrong. Because of their names, the first one is trusted more than the second one.
Mr. Wrong eventually got tired of that and worked on a plan for how more people could trust him. He took a jigsaw and he started to cut into his brain and sawed away half of his brain. It was still working.
Then he took a loaf of toast, cut it into half and glued it on his head, and then he made a strawberry cream and sprayed it on the toast. Because people couldn't recognize him as "Mr. Wrong," he was able to solve more cases.