Crime jokes

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

What's red and got makeup all over?

A Bill Cosby victim.

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

What's young, red, and has hot PTSD?

Prince Andrew's victims.

Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?

'Cause they just wash up onshore.

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

Why do orphans play GTA?

Because they like to feel wanted!

What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?

Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

Orphans can be a robber if they want because their parents won't be disappointed.

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll-up.

Why do most orphans become criminals?

Then finally they know what it’s like to be wanted.

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

One day, I was walking through a park when I realized it was crowded.

To this day, I still don't know who let the children out of my basement.

If you killed an orphan's family... oh wait!

What did the priest say during the christening?

"So anyway, I started blasting!"

I am the danger.

What do you call a pedo with no legs? A creepy crawly.

I went to the shops and still didn’t find Lucy’s dad.