Crime jokes
(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
How do you get your appeal for rape charges accepted? Say you were expressing your desire for a woman, which is protected under the Constitution in freedom of expression.
Why do the police never catch the orphan?
The orphan is not wanted.
How can you be friends with a pedophile that's a musician?
B minor.
What do a turtle and a pedophile have in common?
They both try to get there before the hair does.
Who’s more excited than a kid on his birthday?
Jimmy Savile in a primary school playground.
My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"
No witnesses.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic and the other is a priest.
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!
ICE and ISIS have similar first syllables. Coincidence? I think not!
There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."
I walked into a store, and I pointed a stick to the roof and said, "This is a stick up!"
One of the students reported a school shooting.
That fucking snitch...
Donald Trump didn't build a wall because he likes going to islands to touch little girls.
What is the difference between a hoe's birth Daddy and her pimp Daddy?
The first daddy plants the seed in a cunt, and the second reaps the harvest from the cunt.
There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!
When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.
I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised to see that the news reported a school shooting there. I still don't know who snitched...
What do you do after you rape a deaf girl?
Cut off her fingers so she can't tell anyone.