Crime jokes

I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

What is the difference between an orphan and a robber?

One is wanted.

Why do orphans like pedos? Because they have someone to call "daddy."

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and resell it.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

Why don’t pedophiles win races?

They like to come in a little behind.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

A prisoner dug out of prison. He appeared in a playground. He said, "I'm free, I'm free!" A kid said, "So what? I'm four."

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

Why can an orphan never get picked up?

Because the white van did not come that day. HAHA BIG LOL

What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?

"Can I have a bodybag?"

Your mother is so fast, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack.

What do you call the Gray Man in an electric chair? Fried Fish.

Why did the Drill Sergeant get in trouble?

He got caught playing with his Privates!

Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!

Why did the MOSFET go to jail?

It had a charge for battery.

How did the coke seller react when someone told him a joke?

He CRACKed up.

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!