Crime jokes

I lit a retirement home on fire so that all the seniors can be cremated for free.

After the drive-by, Tupac became known as Pewpac.

What did one orphan say to another orphan?

"Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"

1, 2, I have a gun.

3, 4, I am in a school.

5, 6, Everyone on the ground!

I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?

Cheater, cheater, woman beater!

Who is Bill Cosby’s favorite Disney princess?

Sleeping Beauty.

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

Q: What's red during puberty?

A: The blood on my hands.

Why should you always wear rubber?

So you don’t leave DNA evidence.

What's the hardest part of being a pedophile?

Fitting in.

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."

If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.

Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

If you're ever bored, just rape an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents!

Hahaha come on people, they don't have parents, we can do what we like with them...

Rape...hurt...and sell them!

What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? I don’t know. I was too busy wanking.

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail?

There is a small medium at large.

Bring a knife into the shower. NEVER gonna see that coming! He pulls the curtain like ‘re re‘ and you're like ‘re re’ yourself, motherfucker, and stab him right in the eye! You thought the psycho was out there? SURPRISE, the psycho’s IN HERE with the Irish Spring on them!

How are abortion and rape different? At least the rape victim usually deserves it and isn't defenseless.