Crime jokes
Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.
I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."
How do make an adult cry?
Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.
My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.
I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife?
A heartless killer.
Why couldn't the chicken cross the road? Why couldn't the pervert cross the road? Because his dick was in the chicken's ass!
Pedophiles don't win races because they like to come in a little behind.
Why did the person go to jail?
He committed a crime.
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
"Sweet victory" fans: Fuck the NFL. They should be disbanded!
Harvey Weinstein: I raped five girls, and the NFL was one of them.
What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.
Riddle: A man killed his wife in his car with a knife, and no one could see him. He threw the body out of the car and threw the knife off a cliff. When he got home, the cops called the man and told him his wife was dead and to come to the scene of the crime. The man agreed and rushed to the scene. When he got there, the cops immediately arrested him. Why?
ANSWER: The cops never said where the scene of the crime is.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged.
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"
I went to school and everyone was screaming and looking at me. They weren't after I shot them, though.