Crime jokes
What’s the definition of a pedophile, Tyler?
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
He fingered a minor.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.
Q: What's red and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!
Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!
Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.
I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."
How do make an adult cry?
Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.
My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.
I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife?
A heartless killer.
Why couldn't the chicken cross the road? Why couldn't the pervert cross the road? Because his dick was in the chicken's ass!