Crime jokes
How do inmates keep in touch?
They have cell phones.
What's black and white and red all over? A penguin that's just been raped.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
Your dad never needed a van for you.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.
So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.
He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
Me: "I like kids."
Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!
I bought these trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I have been trippin' all day.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic and the other is a priest.
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.
What was a pedophile's hardest thing? Fitting in!
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large.
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."