Crime jokes
Do you know why I hate pedophiles?
They are fucking immature kids!
What's the difference between a Black person and a white person?
Black people don't shoot up schools.
I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.
She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.
What’s the definition of a pedophile, Tyler?
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
He fingered a minor.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
An outlaw is wanted.
Q: What's red and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!
Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!
Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.
I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."
How do make an adult cry?
Stab him 10000 times until the floors are red with human blood.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.
My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.