Crime jokes
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.
So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.
He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
Me: "I like kids."
Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!
I bought these trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I have been trippin' all day.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic and the other is a priest.
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.
What was a pedophile's hardest thing? Fitting in!
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large.
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hoe? A hoe can wash her crack and sell it again.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
So I laughed at their chalk outline.
Roses are red, my name is Dan...
TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
Do you know why I hate pedophiles?
They are fucking immature kids!
What's the difference between a Black person and a white person?
Black people don't shoot up schools.
I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.
She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.