Crime

Crime jokes

What’s the difference between Jesus and Maddie McCann?

One had the last supper.

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    • When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

    Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.

    Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.

    If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.

    Why does it take so long for the pirates to learn the alphabet?

    Because they spend years on C! Pirate: A, B, sea?

    I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.

    But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.

    Me: 911, I just killed someone.

    Cops: Cool, we will not come.

    Me: Why?

    Cops: Don't admit a crime.

    Phones: *Bang Bang*

    Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.

    I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.

    I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

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    • What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

    A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

    What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

    A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

    When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.

    A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.

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