Crime jokes

What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?

When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.

I was walking to the park and a mystery killer came and shot me.

It may be weird to let people smell your hair, but grab the phone as soon as the dwarf says your hair smells nice.

what is the difference between a basement full of dead prostitutes and a bowling ball in the basement?

I don't bowl.

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

What do you call a short fortune-teller that escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

Why do I call my priest daddy?

Because he raped my mom when she was 13. She's 27 now.

So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ, my titties, and then I saw the most a shoe got shoveled all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE'S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched the guy, got smacked in the face, went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF are you staring at?" I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I thought this, "This isn't over motherfucker, I'm gonna find you and kill you." Next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. They told me, "Why tf were you fighting a stop sign?" I said, "What? You were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign?" I said, "Bitch, I ain't crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka"

What do you call a Chinese rapist? Rae ping you.

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them.

Why does an orphan play GTA to be wanted? 😂😭

Why did Sally die? She got stabbed by her mum.

What is a paedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?

Free delivery XD

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

What’s the difference between Jesus and Maddie McCann?

One had the last supper.

"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

I crashed into those motherfuckers! 😂😂😂

Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.

Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.

Why do orphans play GTA5 so much?

So they could be wanted.