Crime jokes
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
I crashed into those motherfuckers! 😂😂😂
Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.
Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.
Why do orphans play GTA5 so much?
So they could be wanted.
If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.
Get a head in life by decapitating someone.
Why does it take so long for the pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years on C! Pirate: A, B, sea?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
Me: 911, I just killed someone.
Cops: Cool, we will not come.
Me: Why?
Cops: Don't admit a crime.
Phones: *Bang Bang*
Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.
I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.
I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?
There is a dark alley. Who do you call?
Batman.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.
A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.
What's a crazy man's favorite phrase when he has a knife?
"Freak out!"
What's a knife's favorite person?
The victim.
What's a prisoner's favorite game?
Hangman!
The Britains walk in the house of the alcoholic grandad. They ask Mary, the mum, why she had blood all over her, and she said someone dropped the butter. They walked into the living room, and Thomas was dead on the floor.