Crime jokes
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
You can't put an orphan on house arrest if there isn't a house to arrest them to.
Once, there was a man that was coming to my house and peeing in my yard. Then the man came back to my house and flopped his penis everywhere and peed at the same time, and it went all over my face.
So the next day, he came back, and I got my BB gun and shot a metal BB into his peepee.
This didn't actually happen.
What's the difference between drugs and kids?
I don't sell drugs.
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
What do you call a nut in jail?
A busted nut.
Why was the kid not able to cross the hallway?
Answer: The school shooter already shot him in the middle of the hallway.
Mary had a lamb. Her fleece was black as coal. When I tried to touch it that night, next day I went to court.
A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?
What is a kidnapper’s favorite shoe?
White Vans.
What do you call an Asian that steals cars? Tommy toke a motor.
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?
“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”
How does a peadophile help a kid with maths? He adds the bed, divides the clothes, and multiplies with the whole classroom.
What's a pedophile's favorite cooking ingredient?...... Fresh meat.
What did the cop say to the muslim breaking the law?
"That's against th-Allah (read like da-law)."
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
I took 7 coins from someone. He even came back from the dead to get them.
joe: Are your mom and dad nice?
zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.
joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.
If you're mad, hire an orphan, what are they gonna do, tell their parents? 🤣🤣