Crime jokes
You can't call yourself a baby boomer if you have never detonated an infant.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and resell it.
What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?
Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.
My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?
Q: How many cops does it take to put in a light bulb? A: None, they just beat the room for being black. 😂😂😂
Where do spiders commit crimes?
The Dark Web.
I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"
"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.
The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"
Alternative punchline:
"I had to call social services, she was only 14."
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What is the difference between a hoe's birth Daddy and her pimp Daddy?
The first daddy plants the seed in a cunt, and the second reaps the harvest from the cunt.
Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.
Why can orphans get away from the FBI?
Because they don't have a house.
Why do homeless people commit crimes?
They get a bed in jail.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.
How do pirates like their movies?
You already know the answer, don't you?
Well...
ARRR rated! Huh huh huh...
What is a nonce's favorite toy...? You.
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!
A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.
Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"
Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."
Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"
Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.
Teacher: Students, tomorrow bring your parents to the open house.
Student one orphan: I don't have any.
Student 2: What is the difference between you and an escaped prisoner?
Student one orphan: What!
Student 2: The prisoner gets picked.
I like my dates like I like my wine...
Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.
Why did the little girl cry twice?
Because you wiped your bloody shitty cock on her favorite teddy bear.