Crime jokes
Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"
So, once upon a time, there was a man who lived in his house with his wife.
He got up to go out to work and closed the front door behind him.
Not even four seconds later, he came back inside panicking, saying, "There's a rabbit with a gun outside!"
The wife replied, "Oh, don't worry, rabbits don't have guns. They can't shoot people; you must be imagining things."
The man calmed down for a few minutes, and after some reassuring, he eventually decided to try to go back out to work again.
So he stepped outside the front door, and the rabbit shot him.
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
What is another name for a serial rapist? Short dress enthusiast.
What does a child molester and a Catholic priest have in common? They both prey at church.
"Whole November month, sniper lessons available in Dallas U.S.?"
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
I'm not in jail for tossing a salad.
Jimmy Savile should have presented Pop off the Tops instead of Top of the Pops.
Why did the orphan rob the bank?
Because he/she wanted to be wanted!
Pokemon: What do you call a killer that uses psycho powers?
Mr. Mime!
What is harder than steel?
Michael Jackson in a playground.
What does the sign say on the hooker house after they were on lockdown?
Answer: "We're on lockdown, get lost pervert."
What's the difference between my ass and the toddlers in my uncle's basement?
My ass doesn't cry when he sticks it in late at night.
Joe Biden was once president, but he got arrested because he got caught fingering a minor.
What is the good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in school zones.
What does Sonic say when he's bored?
Punch an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents?
How to be a hero.
1. Tie a noose in your front yard.
2. Find and capture a furry.
3. Hang that furry because they deserve it.
It’s easy as 1-2-3!
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group.
I suspected that it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Why do pirates pirate? Because they "Arrrrrrrrrgggghhh!" Hahahahahahahahaha!
One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.
Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."