Crime jokes
You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?
Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.
What do a turtle and a pedophile have in common?
They both try to get there before the hair does.
What kind of file turns a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A pedophile.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
What's pink and rusty? Madeline McCann's bike.
Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."
I just killed a family of five.
Now I’m an orphan.
Why do Catholic priests suck on the cock of a young boy in his parish?
Because it tastes like a Vienna sausage.
I got raped by my therapist... now I know where the name comes from!
If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The guy behind the bar says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets!"
I love me a nice tight pussy. That's why I'm in big trouble with RSPCA.
Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"
Because the cheese got raped.
Officer: Hi, how high are you?
Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"
Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.
Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.
Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.
I bought drugs today.
My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!
A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!
I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.