Crime jokes

Why did the painting go to jail? Because it was framed!

Why can orphans never be kidnapped?

No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."

Why doesn't the pirate go to the strip club?

Because he has ALL of the booty!

Little Timmy said, "I had a body, eieio, now you are next!" as he shoots you.

Why can't George Floyd breathe? He had a knee on his neck, stupid.

Stop hating on pedos. At least they drive slow in school zones.

My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What do you call a swimming terrorist? A bath bomb.

Jake grabbed Lina's thigh and said, "Why don't we have sex? I really wanna see your boobs. I bet they're hot." "Yeah, they are." She took her clothes off and he saw her body. "OMG GODDESS OF BOOBS, PUSSYS AND BUTT LETS HAVE SEX LOOK AT MY..." HE WOKE UP THEN CRIED AND KISSED HIS SISTER'S BUTT. SHE SMACKED HIM THEN HE TOOK HER TO HIS BASEMENT AND KILLED HER FROM SEX.

You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?

Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.

What do a turtle and a pedophile have in common?

They both try to get there before the hair does.

What kind of file turns a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?

A pedophile.

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.

What's pink and rusty? Madeline McCann's bike.

Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."

I just killed a family of five.

Now I’m an orphan.

Why do Catholic priests suck on the cock of a young boy in his parish?

Because it tastes like a Vienna sausage.

I got raped by my therapist... now I know where the name comes from!

If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.