Comparison jokes

What is the difference between a retard and a zombie anyway?

They’re always hungry and shuffle around aimlessly, moaning... Oh, and it takes a bullet in the forehead to put them both down.

Uh!!!

What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?

"To be and not to be."

What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?

One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.

I am not a nerd ;). I'm just smarter than you.

Yo forehead so big it makes Megamind's forehead small.

Your forehead is so big, Megamind thought he was your long lost sibling.

What’s the comparison of an emo and a highlighter?

You can pop their head off.

What's the difference between a cat and a human? About 500 bullets.

What's the difference between a Demon and a Redhead?

The Demon at least has a trade offer.

What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?

Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.

I was riding ya mom... LIKE SHE’S MARIO KART!

What does an eighty-year-old woman have in between her boobs that a twenty-year-old woman doesn't?

A belly button.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

120 pounds.

Girls: Boys are like games, they're meant to get played.

Boys: Girls are like stones, the flat ones get skipped.

Your teeth are so yellow, when you smile, you put the sun out of business.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

Your mama so fat, it took all the trees to build her a coffin.

Egg shaped, dome, bowling ball lookin' ass, bald fuck with that 360 degrees ahh head, motherfucker look like a damn balloon.

Call me Kobe 'cause I'm finna use your head as a basketball and throw it at yo' parents. Mr. Clean, bootleg Saitama lookin' ass mfer. No hair? :(

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.

Plastic bags look like you, dirty and fake.