Comparison jokes

What do Civil War veterans and pedophiles have in common?

They both prefer Minnie (mini) balls.

what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One gets picked.... (not the orphan)

Adolf Hitler + Vladimir Putin = Vladolf Putler.

Your forehead is so big, Megamind thought he was your long lost sibling.

Yo mama so slow, she took nine months to make the joke. Thank god mine only took 6.

Yo forehead so big, NASA thought it was Mars.

Down syndrome people are like dogs.

Prove me wrong.

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

Danny Devito looks like one of those men with a short, yet thick penis.

Little Johnny was walking down a dirt country road, and he came upon an old farmer leaning against a fence looking sad, shaking his head. He walked up to the old farmer and asked him what's wrong. The old farmer said, "My mule, he just won't do nothing. He don't work anymore, always looking sad, barely eats, just sad." Little Johnny said, "Can I go talk to him?" "Sure," the old farmer said, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went back in the barn, saw the mule just sad, and sighing. A few minutes later, Little Johnny came out and said, "Your mule is fixed." The old farmer ran in, and saw the mule laughing, just rolling, and crying laughing. "Thank you, thank you," the old farmer said, and Little Johnny was on his way. Well, a few days later, Little Johnny was walking down the same old dirt road, and came upon the old farmer again, looking sad. "What's the matter?" Little Johnny asked. "It's my mule again. Ever since you talked to him, he won't do nothing, he won't work, just laughing all day. What did you say?" "Can I go in and talk to him again?" Little Johnny asked. "Sure," said the old farmer, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went in the barn and a few minutes later came back out. "Your mule is fixed, sir." The old farmer went in and saw the mule crying, crying really hard. The old farmer came running out of the barn, "Hey boy! What did you say to my mule? One day he's sad, then laughing, now he's crying. Just what did you say to my mule?" Little Johnny smiled and answered, "Well, the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his; this time I showed it to him."

This site is darker than fingering your sister and finding your dad's wedding ring.

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

Your forehead is so large, if I drew an H on it, maybe Kobe could've landed.

Donald Trump took the bullet better than Joe Biden took the stairs.

Your hairline is so far back that if you wore yellow, people would think you were One Punch Man.

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to stupid people. You're much worse than that.

Never compare an orphan to an Apple because the Apple always gets picked.

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.