Comparison jokes
Your mama so fat, Jupiter is smaller than her.
What does a zebra and I have in common?
We both have stripes.
What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.
A nickname to call your short GF:
Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok
What’s the difference between a clock and an orphan's dad? The clock comes back around.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein?
Only difference between Michael and Jeffrey is Epstein wasn't a smooth criminal, and Michael was.
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them, and now it’s a sensitive subject.
Yo, your hairline over here lookin' like the Nile River.
Decisions taken by world leaders often have great significance during a crisis.
The Americans, in particular, are suffering many losses during the current global pandemic. Remember, in the 1980's they had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope.
In 2020 they have Donald Trump, no Cash, and no Hope!
What do Civil War veterans and pedophiles have in common?
They both prefer Minnie (mini) balls.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, there's always someone who's better than you.
What is the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby? One sticks to the roof of your mouth, while the other one doesn't!
You are so fat that Big Chungus looks like a small Chungus.
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
What’s the difference between a pig and Maddie McCann?
Least a pig had an apple in its mouth when it was spit roasted.
What's the difference between a baby and a ball?
If you inflate the ball, it won't explode.
What do 9-11 and a fighter have in common? They both have a one-two combo.
I swear, if I compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.
Little Johnny was walking down a dirt country road, and he came upon an old farmer leaning against a fence looking sad, shaking his head. He walked up to the old farmer and asked him what's wrong. The old farmer said, "My mule, he just won't do nothing. He don't work anymore, always looking sad, barely eats, just sad." Little Johnny said, "Can I go talk to him?" "Sure," the old farmer said, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went back in the barn, saw the mule just sad, and sighing. A few minutes later, Little Johnny came out and said, "Your mule is fixed." The old farmer ran in, and saw the mule laughing, just rolling, and crying laughing. "Thank you, thank you," the old farmer said, and Little Johnny was on his way. Well, a few days later, Little Johnny was walking down the same old dirt road, and came upon the old farmer again, looking sad. "What's the matter?" Little Johnny asked. "It's my mule again. Ever since you talked to him, he won't do nothing, he won't work, just laughing all day. What did you say?" "Can I go in and talk to him again?" Little Johnny asked. "Sure," said the old farmer, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went in the barn and a few minutes later came back out. "Your mule is fixed, sir." The old farmer went in and saw the mule crying, crying really hard. The old farmer came running out of the barn, "Hey boy! What did you say to my mule? One day he's sad, then laughing, now he's crying. Just what did you say to my mule?" Little Johnny smiled and answered, "Well, the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his; this time I showed it to him."