Comparison jokes
What do the Titanic and the Montréal Canadiens have in common? They both sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
How is the world like dirt?
Because we don't think twice about it.
What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.
Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"
Roses are red, violets are blue, you look like Honey Boo Boo!
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.
What’s a zebra? A few sizes bigger than an A.
I was riding ya mom... LIKE SHE’S MARIO KART!
What is the difference between the National Organization For Carpet Munchers and the National Organization For Women?
The National Organization For Women has more experience in being a carpet muncher because they eat more pussy.
What hits the ground first, an apple or an emo girl?
The rope would catch her.
Apparently there was a woman from Australia who had sex with 500 men in one day.
That's like a real life "Your mom" joke.
What do emo kids and bats have in common?
They both hang from trees.
My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
You're so skinny that a Wi-Fi signal is stronger.
What’s the difference between life and a rape joke?
Life fucks you until you stop breathing; a rape joke fucks you until it’s not funny anymore.
What's the difference between a boy and gold?
More people want gold.
Blood may be thicker than water, but yo mama is thicker than anything!