Comparison jokes
What does an eighty-year-old woman have in between her boobs that a twenty-year-old woman doesn't?
A belly button.
I was riding ya mom... LIKE SHE’S MARIO KART!
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
120 pounds.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?
A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that always comes out of your mouth?
What’s the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One kneels for salvation.
The other kneels with salivation.
What's the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One is glowing and the other is blowing.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought Voldemort was ugly, then I saw you.
What's the similarities between anonymous and a cow? I think you know...
Cool people: I can do anything.
Normal people: I can do nothing.
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
Your hair line is curved like a moving train.
Your hairline is so far back Trump was ashamed.
What is a similarity between priests and doctors?
They both have fetishes for their professions.
Your hairline is so long they mistake your forehead for a football field.
I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"
Roses are red, Violets are fine. Why is your life So much better than mine?