Comedy jokes
What do you call a midget stripper?
A pocket pussy.
Your mom is so ugly when she tried to enter the ugly contest, they said they don't allow professionals.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.
His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"
"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."
I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:
The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"
Imagine there's a funny joke here... imagined it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you're schizophrenic.
What did the kid with Down syndrome say to his friend?
Nothing, he had no friends.
Man: Okay, tell me a joke without the expense of anyone's feelings.
Me: Okay, so an Asian...
Why did Shakespeare only write using quills?
Pencils confused him: 2b or not 2b.
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
None of these jokes really took off.
Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.
What is cats and dogs' favorite story and movie?
"Romeow and Drooliet!"
Black comedy name week:
Malt liquor Monday Tupac Tuesday Watermelon Wednesday Thong Thursday Fried chicken Friday Sukie Sukie Saturday Slap a hoe Sunday
Why can't orphans go to movies?
There PG-13 movies.
I can’t help you find orphan jokes. Maybe ask their family.
Why is Ronan's forehead the size of Jupiter? Because he dropped the TV on his forehead. It also had rings.
Why is Jupiter's ring stuck in orbit? Because Ronan's forehead kept it stuck in orbit.
Snails are like sperm, slow and sloppy.
Biggest joke?
[Image of Zac Efron]
What's the best way to get a man to confess to a rape?
Ask him to tell a rape joke.