Comedy jokes

What do you call yourself when you fist a midget?

A ventriloquist.

Dark humor is like water.

Some people get it, others don't.

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

I would tell you a joke about a slice of pizza, but it's really... cheesy. I donut think you will come up with a better pun than this.

Have you heard my cherry joke? It's pitiful.

I wanna tell you guys a joke about a broken pencil...

But it’s quite pointless.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Atch.

Atch who?

Sorry you are sneezing. Have you got a cold?

I was going to tell you a joke about a pencil, but now it is pointless.

I've tried to like all of your jokes. They are funny 😆 and joshisboss, you are awesome. Keep up the good work 👍!

Hello Miss Chandia, here. I want to tell you guys a joke.

What do jokes serve for dessert?

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?

Both get food thrown at them some of the time.

Some dude called me a tool.

So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right :/

What do ya call a legless prostitute in a strawberry field?

A jammy cunt.

What did the banana say to the peel?

“Let’s split!”

How did you get Sally into a blender?

- Without much resistance.

How do you get Sally out of a blender?

- Tortilla chips.

What do you call a chill transgender?

Fictional.

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.

Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?

Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.

|| 20 YEARS LATER ||

Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?

Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.

Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.