Comedy jokes

What did the banana say to the peel?

“Let’s split!”

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?

Both get food thrown at them some of the time.

Some dude called me a tool.

So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right :/

What do you call a chill transgender?

Fictional.

How did you get Sally into a blender?

- Without much resistance.

How do you get Sally out of a blender?

- Tortilla chips.

Your race's favorite Star Wars Characters:

Arab...Admiral Ackbar (Allahu Akbar)

East Asian...Qui-Gon Jinn (Ching-Chong-Wing-Wong)

Jew...Rey (Ray)

Black...BB-8 (BBC)

Italian...Jabba the Hutt (Pizza Hut)

German...Admiral Piett (Hitler)

Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?

Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.

|| 20 YEARS LATER ||

Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?

Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.

Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.

That joke and paper have one thing in common: they're both tearable.

Dead baby jokes never get old...

Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled, "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP!" The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!

I'm autistic, and I find these so funny.

They finally made a movie about a clock, about time.

God: (creating elephants) Make it big.

Angel: How big?

God: As big as my d--

Angel: Whoa!

God: Fine, 10 feet tall.

Angel: That's big bu--

God: Put a long thing on its face.

What sort of movies do cows like to watch?

Moosicals!

Bro, stop. You guys are saying the same jokes over and over. If you're gonna tell a 9/11 joke, just go laugh about the Great Thumps.

Q. What did the math book say to the other math book?

A. I have too many problems.

What did the flower say to the crazy peanut?

"Ur going nuts boii, get back on yo' plant. Ur too nuts for me."

I hate 9/11 jokes... They always crash and burn, like, dude, it's not funny?

I was gonna tell a joke about a dead fetus, but I decided to abort it.