Comedy jokes

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?

Both get food thrown at them some of the time.

How did you get Sally into a blender?

- Without much resistance.

How do you get Sally out of a blender?

- Tortilla chips.

What do you call a chill transgender?

Fictional.

What did the banana say to the peel?

“Let’s split!”

Some dude called me a tool.

So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right :/

Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?

Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.

|| 20 YEARS LATER ||

Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?

Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.

Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.

That joke and paper have one thing in common: they're both tearable.

Dead baby jokes never get old...

Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled, "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP!" The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!

What sort of movies do cows like to watch?

Moosicals!

Bro, stop. You guys are saying the same jokes over and over. If you're gonna tell a 9/11 joke, just go laugh about the Great Thumps.

Q. What did the math book say to the other math book?

A. I have too many problems.

What did the flower say to the crazy peanut?

"Ur going nuts boii, get back on yo' plant. Ur too nuts for me."

I'm autistic, and I find these so funny.

God: (creating elephants) Make it big.

Angel: How big?

God: As big as my d--

Angel: Whoa!

God: Fine, 10 feet tall.

Angel: That's big bu--

God: Put a long thing on its face.

They finally made a movie about a clock, about time.

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack! 🤣😂🤣

I hate 9/11 jokes... They always crash and burn, like, dude, it's not funny?