Comedian jokes
Knock knock. Who's there? Abajo. Abajo who? I have abajo of water with me.
If you humped a whale, it would humpback.
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
Hi, I’m Joe.
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
My friend told me an emo joke once, and I said, "Emo jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"
*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*
Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"
Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.
LOL
A blind comedian walks into a room, or did he? Dun, dun, dun!
Howard Stern rules, b*tches!
What did a comedian say at a show full of blind people?
"What's up?"
You're so bald, Bob Hope would refer to you as "grandpa."
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
Some of the best comedians mimic people. I mimic my shadow.
If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?
Some people like Stephen Hawking jokes, but he will never be a stand-up comedian.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
Wow, didn't know little Jhony jokes were so dark. Well, but what do you expect from a site with jokes about suicide, sex, and drugs? :-)
"Drugs?????" His eyes popped out. Well, I don't really know if there actually are-- and the exact ones... But there's so many kinds of jokes-- even chin jokes. :^))
And slice jokes!
What kind of "slices"?
Handy ones. ^_^
Can a guy in a wheelchair be a stand-up comedian?
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"