Comedian jokes
The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Johnny said when he grows up he's going to be a motherfucking hustler. He's going to have a wife and live in a big house in the country with maids and butlers and drive a Rolls-Royce, and he's also going to have an apartment in the city where his side bitch is going to live. He's going to buy her expensive jewelry, whatever she wants: cars, diamonds, clothes, shoes.
The teacher didn't know what to say, so she calls on Sally. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sally said, "I want to be Johnny's bitch."
If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?
What do you call a funny rapper?
A PUN-ISHER!
I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.
Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.
The median salary of a clown is $36,763. And yet, here you are, doing it for free.
Can a guy in a wheelchair be a stand-up comedian?
Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five? Logan Paul left him hanging.
No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.
The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.
You're so bald, Bob Hope would refer to you as "grandpa."
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
Wait, isn't this Sans' job to make a joke?
How do you know if a comedian is high?
Comedian: Why did the wings cross the road? To get to chicken.
"Bippidy boppidy boo! Bill Cosby is coming for you!"
Anyone got any good Floyd jokes? I really need them to take my breath away.
If Hitler was a comedian, he would use laughing gas.
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
What did a comedian say at a show full of blind people?
"What's up?"