Comedian jokes

Apparently Steven Hawking was a stand-up kind of guy.

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.

I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.

What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.

Did you hear about the terrorist comedian?

He was actually quite funny...

He just blew the delivery.

(I'll show myself out).

Q: Why didn't Jeffery Dahmer eat comedians?

A: He thought they tasted funny.

What do you call a cutta with ginger hair?

Flinn Taylor.

You failed Helen Keller's speech class? It's okay, she's not a very good speaker.

You're so bald, Bob Hope would refer to you as "grandpa."

These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.

2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!

Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.

Friend: You have to be able to stand up.

A blind comedian walks into a room, or did he? Dun, dun, dun!

If you are disabled and a comedian, is it called stand-down or sit-up?

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

Orange you glad you are not a comedian?

How do you make an ass laugh?

Crack a CHEEKY JOKE.

The median salary of a clown is $36,763. And yet, here you are, doing it for free.

A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.

The best way to enjoy Port Arthur is to shoot through--a quote by hilarious comedian Isaac Butterfield.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.