Apparently Steven Hawking was a stand-up kind of guy.
Did you hear about the terrorist comedian?
He was actually quite funny...
He just blew the delivery.
(I'll show myself out).
My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.
I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.
What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.
What do you call a cutta with ginger hair?
Flinn Taylor.
You failed Helen Keller's speech class? It's okay, she's not a very good speaker.
You're so bald, Bob Hope would refer to you as "grandpa."
These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.
2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!
1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? “Put it on my bill.”
4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.
6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.
7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.
8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.
9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, “mini-soda”).
12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
13. Apparently, you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.
16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*
If you are disabled and a comedian, is it called stand-down or sit-up?
Orange you glad you are not a comedian?
How do you make an ass laugh?
Crack a CHEEKY JOKE.
If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?
A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.
The best way to enjoy Port Arthur is to shoot through--a quote by hilarious comedian Isaac Butterfield.
My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.
No matter how hard I try, I will never be a stand-up comedian.
The median salary of a clown is $36,763. And yet, here you are, doing it for free.
