Q. Why didn't Jeffery Dahmer eat comedians? A. He thought they tasted funny.
Lachlan
A Middle Eastern man comes to the states to do a stand up show. He starts by saying “2 Jews walk into a bar, NOT IN MY COUNTRY!”
A blind comedian walks into a room, or did he? Dun, dun, dun!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Abajo.
Abajo who?
I have abajo of water with me.
The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Johnny said when he grows up he's going to be a motherfucking hustler. He's going to have a wife and live in a big house in the country with maids and butlers and drive a Rolls-Royce, and he's also going to have an apartment in the city where his side bitch is going to live. He's going to buy her expensive jewelry, whatever she wants: cars, diamonds, clothes, shoes.
The teacher didn't know what to say, so she calls on Sally. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sally said, "I want to be Johnny's bitch."
What did a comedian say at a show full of blind people?
"What's up?"
Where do you find the best comedians?
In the funny farm!
I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."
I may not be that good with puns on this site, but I got a skele-ton of jokes. Hey, what's the matter pal, is there something crawling under your skin?
How u know if a comedian is high. Comedian: Why did the wings cross the road? To get to chicken.
Stroke victims are my heroes.
My favorite is Louis C.K.
Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)
Everyone gangster till Helen Keller hits a 3 on you.
What is a Finnish Spitz's favorite comedian?
Redd Foxx
Howard Stern rules, b*tches!
What do u call someone with a small dick... whoever is reading this 😉
What's worse than having a comedian as president? Having a president that has dementia.
Russia be like we're strong, gets ass beat up by a comedian with a hook nose...
#i stand with Ukraine 🇺🇦
========================= (pre-election 2016) Trump Hating Comedian at seedy East L.A. comedy club -
"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump.... what the fuck up with that dude, man ?
"Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas !)
. . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for bein' fucked up, for instance ....
STUMP : TEENY DICK
BUMP : TINY TIT
GUMP : DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY
MUMP : A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE
LUMP : IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED
UMP : OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS
RUMP : AN ASS
DUMP : A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS
HUMP : SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD
PUMP : SEE "HUMP"
. . . and last, but definitely not least --
JUMP : JUMP INTO A DEEP VAT 'O SCAT MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL BITCH !! ....
HA!HA!HA!HA ! YESSS !!
.... well boys and girls, that's gonna be about it for me, as I think my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a big turn for the worse !"
......(splort !, plop !, drip !) ....... OOOOPS ! 'snif, snif' ........
..... ewwwwww !!
(audience growing uneasy and unruly)
"Fuhhk ! ... I better go now , 'cause I just went ! ... ha! ha! ha! ...... Yikes !!
GOOD NIGHT LAZIES, AND GERBILMEN ! PLEASE DRIVE RECKLESSLY !
(curtain drops)
(continuous laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants peeing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', fists fuckin', guns poppin', blood pumpin')
"OH LORDY !!... I THINK HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH,
... AND ARMAGITTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE !!"
(one very quick curtain call, and swiftly out the back door to an awaiting taxi ............ with ALL the windows rolled down) Whew ! ............ Amen. ==============================
