Comedian jokes

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.

Lachlan

A Middle Eastern man comes to the states to do a stand up show. He starts by saying “2 Jews walk into a bar, NOT IN MY COUNTRY!”

A blind comedian walks into a room, or did he? Dun, dun, dun!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Abajo.

Abajo who?

I have abajo of water with me.

The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Johnny said when he grows up he's going to be a motherfucking hustler. He's going to have a wife and live in a big house in the country with maids and butlers and drive a Rolls-Royce, and he's also going to have an apartment in the city where his side bitch is going to live. He's going to buy her expensive jewelry, whatever she wants: cars, diamonds, clothes, shoes.

The teacher didn't know what to say, so she calls on Sally. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Sally said, "I want to be Johnny's bitch."

What did a comedian say at a show full of blind people?

"What's up?"

I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."

Where do you find the best comedians?

In the funny farm!

I may not be that good with puns on this site, but I got a skele-ton of jokes. Hey, what's the matter pal, is there something crawling under your skin?

How do you know if a comedian is high?

Comedian: Why did the wings cross the road? To get to chicken.

Stroke victims are my heroes.

My favorite is Louis C.K.

Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.

Me: But you are not standing:)

Everyone is a gangster until Helen Keller hits a 3 on you.

What is a Finnish Spitz's favorite comedian?

Redd Foxx.

Howard Stern rules, b*tches!

What do you call someone with a small dick... whoever is reading this 😉

What's worse than having a comedian as president? Having a president that has dementia.

Russia be like we're strong, gets ass beat up by a comedian with a hook nose...

#i stand with Ukraine 🇺🇦