Comedian

Comedian jokes

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So, a bus crashes, killing everyone on the bus, and God feels so bad that He gives each one a wish.

The first person comes up, and she wants to be beautiful, so God makes her beautiful, and she goes into Heaven. The next person comes up, and he says, "I want to be beautiful as well." As this goes on, the last man in the back begins laughing a little, everyone becoming beautiful, until God asked the last person what they want, and he said, "I want everyone in front of me to be ugly again!" So God had to call the based department and gave him everything that last guy wanted.

The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Johnny said when he grows up he's going to be a motherfucking hustler. He's going to have a wife and live in a big house in the country with maids and butlers and drive a Rolls-Royce, and he's also going to have an apartment in the city where his side bitch is going to live. He's going to buy her expensive jewelry, whatever she wants: cars, diamonds, clothes, shoes.

The teacher didn't know what to say, so she calls on Sally. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Sally said, "I want to be Johnny's bitch."

1 "Knock knock."

2 "Who's there?"

1 "Interrupting physicist."

2 "Interrupting who?"

1 "Muon!!!"

If you are disabled and a comedian, is it called stand-down or sit-up?

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.

2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!

Like Markgeraldnasol and his Pokemon Jokes.

What do you call a killer that uses psycho powers?

Mr. Mime!

When you ask your friend, "Can I hear a joke?"

"Sure."

"What do orphans and orange peels have the same?"

"What?"

"They both get thrown out."

What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.

Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

Trying to make jokes in 2020-2021 be like:

Comedian: "When she went in front of the TV, it took an hour till you could see the screen again."

Audience: "Why you gotta be so offensive?"

Comedian: "I'm not tr-"

Audience: "Oh, so now you're trying to debate?"

Comedian: "I-"

Audience: "Now you're acting racist?!"

Comedian: If you’re racist and you know it, clap your hands.

Guy 1 & Guy 2: 👏👏

Comedian: WTF bros!

Comedian: And one of you is black and one is white. How does that work?

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    • Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

    1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

    2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

    3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

    4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

    5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

    6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

    7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

    8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

    9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

    10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!