Comedian

Comedian jokes

What do orphans and olden day actors have in common?

Both get food thrown at them some of the time.

A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.

Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?

I told him to be a stand-up comedian!

The best way to enjoy Port Arthur is to shoot through--a quote by hilarious comedian Isaac Butterfield.

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

What's worse than having a comedian as president? Having a president that has dementia.

Russia be like we're strong, gets ass beat up by a comedian with a hook nose...

#i stand with Ukraine šŸ‡ŗšŸ‡¦

1. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

2. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.

3. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? ā€œPut it on my bill.ā€

4. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

5. What has a bed that you can’t sleep in? A river.

6. Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? She couldn’t control her pupils.

7. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? An Envelope.

8. How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

9. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

10. What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

11. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota (as in, ā€œmini-sodaā€).

12. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

13. Apparently, you can’t use ā€œbeef stewā€ as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

14. Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.

15. Where do hamburgers go dancing? They go to the meat-ball.

16. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

17. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

What is the difference between the President of Ukraine and the President of the United States?

The President of Ukraine is a comedian, and the President of the United States is a joke!

What is the difference between a comedian and a clown?

A comedian leads Ukraine, and a clown leads America.

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.

My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.

I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.