Can jokes
Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”
Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”
Patient: “Right around the entrance.”
Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”
I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.
It was soda-pressing.
Why do basketball players like cookies? Because they can dunk them!
There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.
Yo mama is so skinny, she can dodge raindrops.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.
You can beat up orphans, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?
Iran: We can beat the USA.
Japan is typing...
Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.
Why does Batman’s mask only cover half of his face?
So the police can see that he’s white.
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"
Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"
Chuck Norris can drift with a horse.
Q: Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
Why are dolphins so smart?
Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!
Dentist: Open up, sir.
Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.
Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.
Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.
Dentist: Do you need help??
Me: Yep.
Dentist: ...
Me: ....
I hate likebeggars. They are just writing some stupid "like if" shit just to get attention. I mean, that's so lazy, so unoriginal, and stupid.
Anyways, can this get 100 likes, please?