Can jokes
Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.
Can emos eat a happy meal, or is it a depressed meal?
Roses are not always red, Violets are violet, not blue. Irises are never red, Petunias can be kinda blue.
What does this tell us 'cept you can't trust a poet to tell the truth.
Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?
Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.
They should bring Michael Jackson back from the dead so he can star in the Peter Pan horror movie.
how fun
Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.
I said, "a smile."
They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.
My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.
Going to school is mandatory in this country.
Can you guess my plan?
Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
So they can get in the cast!
Two men are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls. One man says, "I wish I could do that." The other one says, "You can probably just pet him."
Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.
Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”
“Under my bench,” he replies.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
Ring ring.
Abortion clinic!
Where no fetus can beat us.
Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.
What do maths and 9/11 have in common?
They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.
What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.