Can jokes
Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.
Why do Emos love Christmas? So they can pretend they're ornaments and hang themselves on trees. Hope you liked it, happy holidays!
Life is like a film; it goes on, but you can cut at any time.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
So they can get in the cast!
Roses are not always red, Violets are violet, not blue. Irises are never red, Petunias can be kinda blue.
What does this tell us 'cept you can't trust a poet to tell the truth.
DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.
Two men are walking down the street, and see a dog licking its balls. One man says I wish I could do that. The other one says you can probably just pet him
Can emos eat a happy meal, or is it a depressed meal?
Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.
Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”
“Under my bench,” he replies.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
Ring ring.
Abortion clinic!
Where no fetus can beat us.
Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
What do maths and 9/11 have in common?
They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.
What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.