But jokes

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

How are boobs and toys similar?

Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.

How do people grade pedophiles?

1st grade to 8th grade.

(I know it's orphan jokes but still)

Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?

Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.

There once was a man named Dave who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was as moldy as shit and missing a tit, but think of all the money he saved

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

My balls are high, just like the towers, but when something impales them, they begin to sag.

I tried to make a pun about cheese, but I couldn't think of any good "whey" to do it.

When the school shooter says to get on the ground, but the sped kid thinks it's Simon Says!

What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?

They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.

I was going to tell you a joke about a pencil, but now it is pointless.

Teacher: What comes after C?

Me: Ooh! Ooh! C4!

Teacher: Umm, ok... but still what comes after A?

Me: AK47!!!

Teacher thought: Oh hell na.

Teacher: What comes after X?

Me: Xplosin.

1 second later, bomb goes off. Idk.

People dream about having a lot of money, but the only thing you should be dreaming about is a hairline.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.

I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.

I'd tell a joke about how my mom was abusive, but I either forgot everything, or she just wasn't there.

I once had clothes that were so unbearably uncomfortable,

but I never realized they suited me.

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!