But jokes

Haters are hating. I'm still alluring, but I couldn't give a fuck cus this site is dying and boring.

Why did the telemarketer cross the road?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.

I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.

I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.

Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"

An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"

The Scouser says, "Liverpool."

The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"

The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

I would make a disabled joke.

But they never work.

Dark humor and women are very similar...

Not everyone appreciates them, but they both give everyone something to make fun of.

I’m gonna kick some gum and chew some ass... but I’m all out of ass.

How are boobs and toys similar?

Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.

How do people grade pedophiles?

1st grade to 8th grade.

(I know it's orphan jokes but still)

Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?

Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.

I tried to make a pun about cheese, but I couldn't think of any good "whey" to do it.

When the school shooter says to get on the ground, but the sped kid thinks it's Simon Says!

What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?

They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.

I was going to tell you a joke about a pencil, but now it is pointless.