But jokes

Have you ever had a friend who masturbated many times? I had one who did a lot, but he had no imagination... when he masturbated, he imagines his hand.

What's yellow but can't swim?

A bus full of children.

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

Have you heard about the new cereal?

It's called "Prostituties."

They don't snap, crackle, or pop, but they sure do bang!

Let's get this right. What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg, but you can't beat...

I submitted 10 puns to see if they'd make this list.

But no pun in ten did.

What goes in hard but comes out soft?

Gum.

I've always wondered how it would feel to put Hellen Keller in a room full of doorknobs... but no doors.

I’d make a joke to Fetty Wap on this, but there’s only a 50/50 chance he’ll SEE this.

Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"

An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"

The Scouser says, "Liverpool."

The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"

The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

I would make a disabled joke.

But they never work.

Dark humor and women are very similar...

Not everyone appreciates them, but they both give everyone something to make fun of.

I’m gonna kick some gum and chew some ass... but I’m all out of ass.

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

When the teacher gives me an F on my exam,

but I have an AK-47 in my backpack.

*Is honestly the best policy.*