But jokes
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.
Once i was walking along the beach and there was a girl with no arms or legs there, i walked by and she said excuse me, will you touch me ive never been touched before, i was like okay so i touched her, i kept on walking along and there was the same girl, she said sir will you kiss me, i went alright so i went up and kissed her, i thought that was weird but anyway i kept walking along and there she was again, she said sir will you fuck me? I went okay so i picked her up and threw her in the ocean and went YOUR FUCKED NOW
What has eyes but can't see?
Potatoes, storms, and needles.
I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him," so I couldn't do a fatality.
I was confused, but I understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.
Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
A teacher is teaching a class algebra. Timmy, you've worked out it is AK, but what is 59 minus 12? Timmy shakes his head, not knowing. The teacher asks, "How about AK 49 minus 2?" Timmy replies with um... The teacher becomes frustrated and yells, "What comes after AK, Timmy!?" The white kid at the back stands, shouts 47, and pulls the trigger.
What did the Deagle say to the G17?
"Son, you're rushing, but in some way, I like it."
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack was in shock with a mouth full of cock, 'cause Jill's real name was Randy.
Yeah man, you watch Pornhub, and you have premium too, but at least I don't need Premium to see your mom in bed.
Women be like men are trash, [but] forgets women raised those men.
Women be like men cause wars, [but] forget men fight those wars while they fake cry.
I was digging in a garden once and found a chest full of gold. I wanted to show my wife, but then I thought about why I was digging in the first place.
Yo mama is so fat that when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
My friend is so ugly, she got surgery twice, but not even that could fix her.
What did Jay Z say when he got pulled over?
"I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one!"
What do emos and the Twin Towers have in common? There were two, but now there are none.
I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.
When the school shooter runs out of ammo: K a l m.
When he grabs a full mag: P a n i k.
When he looks back and doesn't see you, but you're hiding in one of the classrooms: K a l m.
When the autistic kid's Sketchers light up: P A N I K.
A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"
The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."
The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.