One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?
Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.
What do you call a girl that likes reading? Page.
Getting a book on pasta?
Yes. Just imagine the pastabilities there are!
The person to make the first cannabinol cookbook had a wife and ate (eight) children.
I just got a job at the prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me....
Why did Johnny not like the audiobook he got for his birthday?
Johnny was deaf.
"Immobile" means "I'm mobile" in my books.
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking... J.K. Rowling.
What do you say to a fat Asian?
You got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
Have you read "50 Yards to the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit and Probly Not?
I’m reading a book about Anti-Gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
Stephen Hawking never wrote a book... it was a Dragon who was naturally speaking.
Q: What was the name of Michael Jackson's last book?
A: The ins and outs of child rearing.
What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?
You can shut the book up.
My cock was in the book of world records...
The librarian told me to take it out.
