Life is like a game of chess.
I don’t know how to play chess.
Why is the queen in chess the most powerful piece? Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.
Why do US suck at chess? We lost both our towers.
Why is England so good at chess? They still have their queen.
Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.
Why was Jesus Christ cut from the hockey team?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?
Myla: I went to a restaurant.
Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?
Timmy: I went to a concert.
Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?
Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.
How do orphans have a family reunion?
They use a Ouija board.
You see a boat filled with people, yet there isn’t a single person on board. How is that possible?
All of them are married!
"We got a number one victory royale, yeah Fortnite we boutta get down! Get down! Ten kills on the board right now, just wiped out tomato town! My friend's gone down, I revived him now we're heading southbound! Now we're in the pleasant park street, look at the map, go to the marked sheet!"
Chess board White: right Black: left Yellow: invading
The other day I went on a romantic cruise in Hawaii. Then I met my girl Zendaya on board. She was shaking her ass and playing with her penis. Then she asked me, "Hey, you wanna make love in the cabin?" I said, "Sure, sweet thang," gave me her number, kissed me on the cheek. Next day she woke up because it was a romantic nightmare.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboard?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
What do cutting boards and a suicidal teen's wrist have in common?
They both have cutting marks.
My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.
I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.
Why can't Jesus play hockey?
He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?
Others: R.
Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.
My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."
Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?
Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!
Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?
Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!
Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?
Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...
TWO HOURS LATER
Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!
AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER
Want to watch Titanic?
No, I'm not on board for it.
Teacher: *calls you up to the board*. You: Ok. *Gets intense boner* *has to fart really bad* You: F***!!!!!!!
If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan in the face. What's he going to do? Tell his parents?
