Blind jokes

I gave a blind kid a gun and said it was a blow dryer.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down a well?

Screamed till her hands fell off.

A sister told her brother to walk to the store, buy some candy, and watch a movie with her while eating the candy.

But he couldn't walk because he has no legs. He couldn't buy candy because he has no arms. He couldn't watch a movie because he was blind, and he couldn't eat because he has no stomach. Who said he was real?

Why did two red heads fall off the plane? Because they were so damn blind.

Last week was my blind friend's birthday. I thought I would give him something really good that he may need.

As I walk into his house and give him a cheese grater for a birthday present, he sets it next to him. As weeks pass, he comes up to me. He said, "That present that you gave me for my birthday was the most intense book I have ever read!"

How did Helen Keller die?

Her ex gave her plutonium and told her to eat it.

A blind man walked into a bar, and a table, and a chair.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork and returned to the blind man.

The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "Yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "Oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"

How do you keep a blind kid entertained?

You take him to a stadium crowd, then give him a bat and tell him to hit the piñata.

What do you call a blind author?

A Braille writer.

What do an orphan and a blind person have in common? They both can't see their parents.

What is the definition of Endless Love?

Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis!

Why are Helen Keller jokes so funny?

Because she’s blind and deaf.

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!

Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.

So one time, poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.

He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.

What do you call a blind person driving a car?

Died.

I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

You're so bald, the reflection off your head is blinding people in India.

Phobos and Deimos are just asteroids in moon costumes, and Mars was blind due to its frequent sandstorms, so it let Phobos and Deimos be its moons.