Blind jokes
Wife, I look fat, can you compliment me?
Blind husband says, "You have perfect eyesight!"
What do blind people and orphans have in common?
They both can't see their parents.
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?” Jon said, “I’d be half blind.” “That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?” “I’d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?” Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?” “I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered. “Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?” “My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
If your blind girlfriend says you have a big cock, she's probably just pulling your leg.
What do you call a German man who can't see?
A not see.
Why is the blind kid popular?
He can't see the middle fingers.
Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!
Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?
Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?
Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Doctor: *calls 911*
911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?
Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?
911 service: *hangs up*
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
When I have a staring contest, I always win.
Every day, I see blind people who hate me.
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.
Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog was blind, too.
What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?
We're both blind.
People call my blind friend dumb sometimes.
She can't see the obvious.
Kid: Dad, what's a dark joke?
Dad: Well, you see that guy over there? Tell him to wave.
Kid: But Dad, I'm blind.
Dad: Exactly, also the dude had no arm.
You're so bald, the reflection off your head is blinding people in India.
Yeah, so why can't a blind woman drive?
Exactly, cuz she's a woman.
When you tell the men in the suits you can see that the demons of your sins are watching you...
But they know you're blind.
I gave a blind kid a gun, telling him it was a hair drier.
Person 1: Omg, my blind boyfriend cheated on me.
Person 2: What did you expect? Him to see other hoes...
Phobos and Deimos are just asteroids in moon costumes, and Mars was blind due to its frequent sandstorms, so it let Phobos and Deimos be its moons.