Bit Jokes

One afternoon, a man was walking to a bar after work. Across the street, an Irish nun stood there waving her arms at the man. "Look at this poor drunkard! The Lord does not love him! He will be sent to Hell!" the nun shouted.

The man walked over to the nun. "Hey! I had a hard day at work! I was going to get ONE beer! Have you ever even tried a drink before?" the man asked. The nun looked down and shook her head. "Well, if you tried it, you would probably like it! Would you want to try something?" the man asked. The nun replied, "Okay, only one thing."

"What would you like?" asked the man. He offered her beer and whiskey, but she declined. "How about a little gin?" the man concluded. "Okay, sure. But, can you ask them to put it in a mug so people don't see what I'm drinking?" asked the nun.

"Fine," the man walks into the bar and waves to the bartender. "Hey, can I have a bottle of beer and a bit of gin? Also, can that be in a mug?" asked the man. The bartender looked up, with fury in his eyes. "Don't tell me that damn nun is out there again!" the bartender said.

Me and my friend were duck hunting.

He shot 5 ducks in one shot. Then he shot by accident and yelled "DUCK!" then "MOTHERDUCKER!" Then ducks came down and one by one bit him.

Snake one: Are we venomous?

Snake two: Yep!... Why do you ask?

Snake one: Cuz I just bit my tongue!!! (Drama scene)

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

What’s the hardest bit about having anal sex?

Repeatedly getting a cock shoved in your arse🤣

"Is that a quirked-up white boi with a little bit of swag, busting it down sexual style?

Is HE goated with the sauce?"

you know i got attacked by a man with cheese and a bit of milk. how dairy!!

One time the dog got bit by a snake, so my dad had to shoot it. My dad said to me, "This is what's going to happen to your little brother." "What little brother?" Exactly.

Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.

When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."

When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."

After 6 months of lockdown,

I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself.

Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.

"Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"

"He died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."

(After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

Mom, where are we going?

To your grandma's funeral.

Yeah, 'cause I 360 no-scoped that b*tch in the face.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.

I told her to keep her chins up.

It’s amazing just how paranoid Hitler was.

In Hitler’s Germany, it was illegal to make jokes about him or his regime.

Come on! Forbidding Germans from making jokes? Isn’t that a bit like forbidding Americans from eating salad?

I arrived at a restaurant early and the manager said, "Do you mind waiting a bit?" I said, "I don’t mind," and he said, "OK. Take these trays to table 9."

What was the comment that Vice President Harris said in the United States Senate when a blue dog democrat in the United States Senate called Vice President Harris a bitch?

Kibbles 'N Bits!! Kibbles 'N Bits!! I is going to get me some Kibbles 'N Bits!!

911 what's your emergency?

Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!

Operator: What happened!?

Me: She bit the tip.

Cause they about to taste my Morbius! I got that acrimonious odious Cause the bats are copious My blood flow is harmonious Bout to act felonious You know they hating us And we getting treasonous Woo when they get bit with the Morbius! I got that acrimonious odious Cause the bats are copious My blood flow is harmonious Bout to act felonious You know they hating us And we getting treasonous Woo when they get bit with the (Morbius) (Morbius) (Morbius) (Morbius) (Morbius) Morbius (His name is Dr. Michael Morbius)