My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh this, I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
My uncle and I have some what of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.
Person A: What do you call the dangly bit of an octopus?
Person B: Tentacles?
Person A: Ok *tickles person B ten times*
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out" I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
I troll under different usernames, I'm abit all over the place mentally.
Are you made of Gallium and Yttrium? Because you are looking a little bit Ga Y
I’m becoming a litter bit more zebra everyday
My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight I told her to keep her chins up
Mom where are we going To your grandma's funeral Yeah cus i 360 no scoped that bit** in the face.
I tell short people to reach for the stars
They are always a bit short of reach
my jacket tore a little bit. it's a ripper.
What did the plane say to the tower? ''Yo can I crash at your place for a bit and can my boy crash at your boys place
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs. B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clara who wasted away. D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach. F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech. G is for George smothered under a rug. H is for Hector done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in a lake. J is for James who took lye by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe. L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea. N is for Neville who died of ennui. O is for Olive run through with an awl. P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl. Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire. R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who perished of fits. T is for Titus who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain. V is for Victor squashed under a train. W is for Winnie embedded in ice. X is for Xerxes devoured by mice. Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in. Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin
[God creating spiders] God: make it have 8 legs Angel: ok? bit excessive but ok God: and 8 eyes Angel: You need to calm down and li- God: give it a butt rope
me: says to kid at adoption center you adopted me and kid: hug
thought this sight needed a little bit of nice jokes
A cobra once bit Chuck Norris. After hours of agonising pain... it died.
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it "I'll get you some food once we get off"
If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favourite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?
