Bully: My mom says I'm not allowed to burn trash.
Me: (quiet)
Bully: HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU.
Me: Are you talking to yourself? Because I was listening to music until I heard you.
I am a good role model, because you look up to me. Deez nuts!
So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.
That’s the punch line.
If you bully a kid, bully an orphan.
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Teacher: "Stand up, class!"
She is sitting down.
Teacher: "Whoever stands up is stupid!"
Children are so ungrateful nowadays. I got my daughter a bike, but now she’s crying on the floor saying, “I don’t have legs!”
The woman said stop, but the man kept going, so the wife just kept fucking.
Emo people are like other emo people, they're emo. Laugh now or I'll cut your eyes out. Tee hee!
If you make jokes about SH, you're not funny, and if you do, I'm gonna assume you're some 12-year-old who wants to be an edge lord. I don't really care if people get pressed.
Where was your mom last night? In the man club?
If someone's debating the speed of light and a drunk Russian, the Russian would take speed to grab a falling wallet.
I got barred from Weight Watchers today.
It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.
What are a doctor's and a WWE fighter's ideas on child abuse?
Doctor's: Don't do it, it does not help. Mood behavior.
WWE fighters: If it can crawl, it can brawl.
Why is a rap boat like a dog?
They both get off sniffing assholes.
What's the difference between a rapist's mouth and a sewer?
Nothing, they both spout shit.
"Sigma" - By every boy in my class.
Parents: Why do you use your phone on the toilet?
Me: The same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet.
I'm like a rubber because people hit me as I can't feel.
You give some people 2.54 centimeters, and they take 1.6 kilometers.
Guys, do not follow Tom, he is super inappropriate. I did a 48-hour face reveal and this is what he said:
Tom 13 minutes ago Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ur so cute I wanna fuck your pussy so hard you look amazing I luv ur face come have sex with me mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
