Bed jokes

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.

Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat.

If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?

Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.

Yo mama so scary that the monsters have to look under the bed for her.

Yo mama so ugly that the monsters thought that she was their mother.

From now on, we’re gonna call shitting the bed an “Amber Alert.”

There were ten in the bed and the little one said... "Roll over..."

Yo momma's so fat, she rolled out the bed, out the room, down the stairs, smashed through the window, rolled down the road, and got stuck in the Grand Canyon.

Dad: Honey!

Mom: What?

Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.

Mom: WHAT!?

Children: *staring*

If you get a new bed, you have more bedroom, but less bedroom.

The woman had a dick, lol, it's your mom ahahahahahaha, yeah YOU! Jhon man! In New York City I am on to you! I will be under your bed tonight lol get a bodyguard!

So your wife has died, and now she is marginally better in bed than before.

If you really want to get her to wiggle, simply add maggots.

You’re so short, you could sweep under your bed while standing.

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.

"Prince, I'm ready to chat when you are. I'm in bed, so yeah, let's chat! Love you!"

Why do men get great ideas in bed?

'Cause they are plugged into a genius!

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To slide into your mom's bed.

What time should you go to bed when it's bedtime?

What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?

It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!