Audience jokes

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..." The room was full of arm amputees.

I can hear the whole world booing me.

Dark humor is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

Pedophile: You dropped your candy.

Girl: Thanks!

Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.

Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?

Girl: How far is your house?

Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.

Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?

Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.

Girl:.... Sure! :P

Audience:.........Dumbass girl.

I just had the worst gig of my life! I told yo mama jokes at the orphanage.

I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.

I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.

Did you hear about that musical that was sung by some obsidian?

It rocked!

What do you call an emo strip club?

Suicidal Thots.

I don't get why people don't like my abortion jokes. Do they have a stick up their ass? Wait, that's the other hole.

I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.

POV you are drunk and telling jokes and no one is listening 😭😭😭

Why did the rapper bring a map to the concert?

To NAVIGATE his way through the CROWD.

What do you call a terrorist at a cinema?

A box office bomb.

I don't understand why people hate it when they hear a dad joke. They are actually pretty funny, and I will show you Y. (shows a picture of the letter Y)

You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!

Did anyone get my joke? It probably flew over your heads, oops I meant through.

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

Why did the rapper take a shower before the concert?

To WASH AWAY the haters!

People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.

Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.

They're making a new Alien movie.

There are so many aliens you can't keep track.